Audrizzle

Mmmm. I was realizing the other day that I haven't made a post lately that was mostly text. I think this is because usually when I post pictures I feel it's because I have to update, and it's usually the last thing I do before I go to sleep, and I just think "screw this, I am too freakin' tired to write."

Today isn't much different. Well, maybe it is. I'm tired, but I don't think I could sleep if I wanted to. I mean, I want to, but I feel like I'm afraid to go to sleep, if that makes any sense. The last few days I've had some strange dreams.

I don't think I dreamed anything unusual last night, but the night before that I dreamed that I went to six flags on a class trip, except it was my senior class in high school. The parking lot was like 4 square miles or something. I don't remember much except I was trying to leave, but I had a whole lot of cash on me, cash that I had somehow gained at Six Flags. I went inside the building and tried to get all my cash converted into something else (a check? tokens? don't know) but nothing happened. I ran into a man in a black coat, and we had that brief moment that I don't really have with anyone anymore, I guess because I'm never around strangers. But that's a good thing, because having brief moments where a man stares at you in a certain location that guarantees that he wants you to leave and have sex with him isn't the kind of brief moment I liked having. Anyway, i left, and outside people were flying kites, and I had to climb up so many stairs, it was like a maze going from the bottom of an ampitheater to the top. And when I got to the top somehow I travelled across to the parking lot, the huge huge parking lot. I was with Ryan Sullivan and some other people from school, and we were all looking for our cars. It was really strange, because we all took a tour bus to get there, but somehow we had driven as well. I walked forever trying to find my car. I found a building with glass on the outside and light coming from inside, which was strange since it was the middle of the night. The next morning I was walking around trying to find my car, and this really white trash woman was wearing a swimsuit and i was sitting as she was walking over a sea of cigarette butts and other miscellaneous trash. She was with an awkward child, she was wearing a swimsuit, sagging breasts, a visor and sunglasses over her crumpled face, shorts and fanny pack, with the kind of butt that is bigger at the top and slopes diagonally inward, somehow defying gravity. she yelled at a friend who was still in her car to get the bottle of booze and to bring it, but not to get the glass flask, which was covered with red and black stains, maybe blood and tobacco. around then Ryan called to me, he told me he had found my car. He was on the other side of the parking lot, but somehow I made it over there quickly. He was right, my car was there, and so was the bus and everyone else's cars. I thanked him, but he and another girl didn't move; they wanted me to drive me to their cars. I thought this was strange as they were parked less than an aisle away and had just spent almost a day walking around trying to find the cars, but i decided to clean out my car and let them in anyway. That's all I remember of that dream.

The dream I had the night before that was a bit stranger. I was driving home from someplace, on 44 going west, but somehow I missed my exit. It was late summer, the trees were huge and green, almost completely blocking the sun. I got off at the next exit to turn around, though it was completely unfamiliar. Somehow I lost my direction and parked the car and wandered through the woods around the side of a house, a big house with a fence around it and a sign in front of it. I think around then must have been when I passed out, because I woke up later in a bed. There was a little boy running around and

cut for a second. i have tv on but muted, because all it is is commercials, and if commercials weren't absurd enough, they are 10 times weirder without sound. this guy has shaggy hair and is really unhappy about it. then he cuts his hair with this magic trimming device, and wow, this girl is kissing him! The shots of him being frustrated, though, are just hilarious.

But anyway. The little boy, and there was a woman too, i could hear her talking. I was in a room made of gray wood and a candle was lit. I woke up and the woman came in, and talked to me and told me about how she'd found me and said she would take care of me, and she asked me if I needed anything. I said no, i was going to go back home later, but she wanted me to stay for a while, and I decided to. This place was a home for children of some sort, and I wanted to see what it was like. I remember feeling very guilty, as this was a Christian home, and I knew that I was a traitor somehow just being there. By not telling the woman that I was not of her faith I felt as if I was lying to her. But I stuck around. I watched the children slowly come down from upstairs. They introduced themselves to me, but didn't take much notice. They were allowed to watch one hour of TV, and though there were several children only one picked the programming. Later the TV was turned off. I went to the bathroom, planning on leaving when I got out. I felt horrible staying there and being a part of this sort of family that I didn't belong in. I got out but sat down for dinner. I was next to a little boy who somehow had befriended me. something strange was going on during dinner, but I don't remember. But the boy protected me. The father had just arrived home as well, and he seemed very annoyed. I think I left soon after dinner. My car was on the opposite side of the house that I had parked it on.

Other than the weird dreams, not much has been going on. It's the week before finals, which means I have a LOT of shit to do. but in good news, it turns out i don't have a final for my Composition class. on TV right now is some show called in the womb, national geographic channel, and that's mostly what it is. fetuses, rolling around in their water balloons, misshapen heads and alien eyes.

I probably could fall asleep now, but recalling the strange dreams and watching the absurdity that is late night TV (hey guess what... i'm overweight and i DON'T want to be thin! so leave me alone) I probably won't have pleasant dreams this evening. I also finished The End Of Alice, which, no matter what, made me cry. At this point I can talk about anything, can't I? I'm typing this in apple works and I'm at 2 pages, and this is two pages of dense, single spaced, amanda blabber so there's no chance anyone has read this far.

I was so confused. I feel like the SGA meeting just happened, like it was last week, but that's impossible. But why hasn't there been another issue of the... OHH. Well, wait. So the meeting was 2 days before thanksgiving. But the journal came out the week after, the wednesday, which is last wednesday. And therefore last tuesday there wasn't a meeting, which means tomorrow there will be. Therefore, I get to be busy for 5 straight hours with no break tomorrow. And here I am at 4 am writing some long entry about dreams that no one will read.

I can't believe people watch footage of babies like this for hours. The narration must be really damn interesting, because i swear they're using the same shots over and over.
I know I need to go to bed, I know i need to shut up, to "wrap it up" and to hit the sack. But I can't. What's wrong? My antidepressants were doubled less than two weeks ago. I've been taking them, too.

I have a new doctor. Dr. H. suggested him, it will be a first; i have never had a male doctor. Unfortunately I couldn't get an appointment until a month from now, but that's ok. it will give me time to understand being naked in front of others. No, i understand it, but with doctors it's just scary, because usually being naked means you're in a comfortable place having fun, but with doctors it's like... sheer nervousness.

I made a new design for this website and it's all done but it feels lacking. Whenever I do anything it always feels lacking.
Hah, I'm not even going to post the pictures. One is ap icture of Will, the other is a picture of my cookies, some cookeis that i just made. that fetus is made out of clay. i made the cookies out of butter, brown sugar, flour, salt, vanilla, walnuts. they're delicious. like mom used to make. ok, this is it. goodnight.
well, since i talked about the cookies, here is one picture.