Audrizzle

oy. so hello from florida. I know I keep saying it, but it's kind of funny how i've spent the last 3 months in Bethlehem but I left for christmas... oh well.
Things here are going pretty well. It's kind of hard to do stuff because there's no one to force me into it, but for the most part I'm doing okay; still getting up on time (well, before 9 anyway, and that's absurdly early if you ask me).

My mom's new house is miniscule. It's like... maybe a little bit bigger than my old apartment was, and her house cost like 800 times the monthly rent of my apartment. see if you can figure that out and if it makes any sense, let me know.

I'm having fun, but eating is hard; i've gotten used to there being lots of healthy food around and stuff i didn't have to cook, which is not the case now. and now i have to go to restaurants, too, and it's hard because i don't want to order a burger because i won't be able to eat it, but will i be able to eat soup? all the appetizers are deep fried and that will make me sick, but meat is too heavy... so it's weird. but i guess it's a good thing that food is one of the main issues that i'm having, not something like constant swearing or exhibitionism (?).

anywayz...
here are some photos...for your pleasure?
















(the crazy thing is, the only thing i did to photoshop that picture of my mom was double and reverse the image. yes, she is that sinister!)

anyway, that's it for now folks. see y'all later.

OK!!! Sooo the house is crazy right now. Absolutely crazy. I can't even begin to describe it. Well, I guess I could if i really wanted to, but the whole confidentiality thing would stop me in my tracks. Let's just say there are a lot of entitlement issues and a lot of... yelling.
but anyway.
One of my favorite people doesn't work here anymore. It's totally depressing, because this is the one person who I felt like "Wow, i would like to be friends with this person after I leave"... but anyway.

Not much else to say.

THe other night I got really depressed and I went upstairs and started taking pictures and here is what came out of it. I felt a lot better afterwards.








That last one is my mouth (duh) because i got two freakin fillings. i'd only gotten one cavity in my life, then i missed my appointment in june and by november i had two more. can you believe it?

I'm going to be in florida for christmas, I'm staying with Celeste, which will be fun. Wish me luck, though!

So, hello again. Not much exciting stuff has been happening lately. I don't know if I mentioned it last week but my mom was in three days for "family sessions." Actually, i think i did mention it.

But anyway. Since then I have been feeling kind of numb in a way, I don't know how to explain it. Like, I haven't felt really sad the way I had before, but I generally haven't been very sad since I got here.

I guess the big thing is anger. I have gotten so angry; before I was here I would like want to kill people and throw shit. And here a little bit too, but I haven't been as outwardly angry as I was before. I would just bitch about it in my journal or to other people here or be sarcastic and mean, etc. The real issue is that I would get way too angry about stupid shit, like if I was raking and so-and-so was supposed to be helping me and she went to take a bathroom break and it lasted more than 5 minutes I would just be REALLY pissed at that person for like a week, and it would ruin my entire day. It was really ridiculous.

Therefore, it's definitely interesting that I haven't been getting as angry and haven't been dwelling on stuff that has made me somewhat angry. If someone yells at me (and there has been a lot of yelling at everybody) I just kind of say "Okay, whatever, " and let it drop. Last Saturday it got to the point where the staff called me aside to say, "We've noticed that everyone has been really rude to you today, what's the deal? We're your biggest fans; we don't like seeing you get harrassed all the time, but it's definitely happening today. " The interesting thing is I don't remember what everyone was yelling at me about, and I certainly wasn't bothered by it.

I don't know. I guess it's not that big of a deal. At this meeting on Wednesday I got feedback from the staff, who all said they thought I was looking better and in general DOING better. The good thing is that I am not wigging out about small shit. I did get kind of angry at my therapist yesterday though, because she pointed out that I am definitely disconnected lately. She wants me to really feel my emotions, which means I'm going to be provoked into getting angry and then have to just "feel" the anger and "invite" it.

Moving on... I don't want to get too much into what's going on treatment-wise. This week has kind of sucked, I've been really sick lately. Carsick, full of snot (lovely), and just feeling really physically crummy. But it's possibly because I'm storing up my emotions and blocking the energy in my system... anyway.

This week we went to this museum called the Wadsworth, which was really cool. There was a really cool photography exhibit of stuff by this guy named Edward Weston, who we learned a little bit about in my photography class. Just seeing all the pictures made me really miss being serious about photography; I'm realizing that I want a new camera because I don't have any lenses for this one and the quality of images just isn't what I remember it being and want it to be. And I really miss my tripod; I hate having to find a surface to set it on or hold it to to keep it steady. But there's no way in hell I could afford a new one, and there's no way in hell anyone would buy me one. Mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and when I said a new camera she just got angry and said "you only call me to ask for things!" though she was the one who called me. But anyway.

Not much else to post. I am hoping I will be able to copy and paste this and also have some photos to upload. I've got four that should be here:
The first one is a painting that I did, small scale, and on the back is a thank you card for the Lathams (the second cousins I spent Thanksgiving with).
The second photo is from the Weston gallery, and it was just surreal, looking at all the pictures while there were Christmas carols wafting up from the atrium downstairs.
The third picture is of this little art library at the Wadsworth, which is the coolest thing; I've never seen an art library at an art museum. There was a UFOlogy library at this museum in Roswell, though.
The fourth picture is me, in front of a Christmas tree (duh) at the Wadsworth, which is weird because I look so different than I used to.
The last picture Is some more artwork that I did. Yay!







Anyway, leave comments because I want to check my email and have more than spam there. I really miss you guys a whole lot. :(