audrizzle

From my old "blog":
11:49 pm - Mar. 13, 2003
have i lost my tiny quirks? Have I lost my spontaneity? Have I lost my interesting life?
My life is no longer like a movie. Not like one I'd want to watch, anyway.


2:49 am - Feb. 23, 2003
...Andrew Donabauer and I get really confused about how to get inside. It's okay, it's so "real life" and i want to scream and laugh and cry all at the same time. Someone does a really bad version of "So Far Away." I swear. That's why i would never sing. Because i KNOW i suck. I think this person knew she sucked too, i think she just got encouragement from her friends. And that is how she made an ass of herself. This is an example of how encouragement can be bad.

7:18 pm - Dec. 30, 2002
...But anyway, i got a deal on a card so now I have a card. for my camera. 64 mb on sale for 27.99. Funny because I almost bought a 32 mb card at Kmart for 30.

10:51 pm - Dec. 26, 2002
at the movies

I hated her in the dark.
I hated her ugly grin;
her young teeth needing metal.
Frayed twin braids
resting on brown shoulders.
her juvenile hand reached into his cup
to take some ice;
he had already taken hers.

12:59 am - Dec. 17, 2002
Immediately after school i walked south and told ms. kalfee i coudlnt stay for crew then got convinced to go try out for the actor's nightmare, did with hunter, felt bad, left, talked to Ms. Karban some in the english halway, j'ai regarde par la fenetre de sa salle mais je ne suis pas sur ce que je voyais... then left. went to Linda kessler's, got there at 10 til 4 only to find out that the appt was at 4:30. damn. in the waiting room it was kind of funny, there was this one redhead kid who looked ilke a real asshole, his mom was saying "do your homework" you know his mom was a bitch and he was liek "i would have but ididnt know it was 4:15 and you should have told me and it's your fault" hahahaha it was so funny i smiled at him when he said that. But I know how upset his mom must get. Obviously shes' not married, obviously she's really depressed and the kid ignores her, just like her boyfriend did. and I can just see her pleading PLEASE LISTEN TO ME and crying and the kid won't even look away from the nintendo. he's spoiled. his mom knows since he can't have a father he might as well have everyhitng else. She gets him whatever he wants and lets him see R rated movies and he has a TV in his room. I just realized what I am typing. I really don't know where this stuff came from.

The mom had a crazy santa hat on. I can't really describe it. I can. It was ilke the bottom of the hat, the white trim around the head but then instead of coming to a point the ugly red fabric just coveredher head, and on top was some spiraled wire covered in that red velour that went to the top with the stupid white ball. SO it looked like a santa hat only dumber. I wonder if she even remembered that she was wearing it. What a sad woman she is. Her calendar was full. She called someone and said she loved them, probably just to brag to the other people in the waiting room.

11:01 pm - Dec. 10, 2002
It is so damn easy to lose friends. People always say be yourself... What if yourself is a fucking nutcase? What if you hate yourself?

I have been out of treatment for over a year now. Looking back just makes me sad. Really angry that I wasn't given fair ... treatment. Dave could never forgive me for Adam's death, no one could. J. knew it wasn't my fault, but I think that knowledge only came from her own painful history.
What pretentious tripe.
This kind of reminds me of the time I was riding in the car with Mike saying "Well, I want to write, but I don't have anything to write about," and he just laughed.
Well, I'll write about something recent.

Yesterday was the Sloan concert. I took the F-train straight into Manhattan after work. I went to the venue, but they were closed, and I ended up talking to this guy named Anthony out in front. We went to this gallery that was open for free after 7 and looked around for a while, then we walked around down Chinatown for a bit. It was kind of funny because he was visiting from New Orleans and kept asking me questions about NYC and i was like "Umm, i don't really know."

Anyway, we got back to the venue and finally they were open, we went in and bought our tickets and sat down at the bar for a while. I started talking to this other guy and kind of lost track of Anthony.

The second guy was named Mike, and he was from Canada, but he lived in Japan teaching English. He really had a major Canadian accent. He said I was too hard with the pronunciation of my a's, that you don't call it CAN-uh-duh, but Keh-nuh-duh. I think that's what he meant to get across.

He was wearing a sweat band and I asked if he wore it year round, and he said in the winter he wore a toque. It's pronounced "took," but with the "oo" like that of "loop." The funny thing about a Toque is that it's a hat, but you will NEVER hear about anyone wearing one if they're not Canadian.

Anyway, i hung out with Mike mostly until Sloan came on, at which point i snuck, as I always do, around the side and to the front of the stage. Oh, the joys of being short.

They did play a lot of stuff from the new album, which was ok, and expected, but they also played a lot from Never Hear The End Of It. I was hoping to hear stuff from that album more than the others, because I know NHTEOI better than the new album, Parallel Play, but I haven't seen them play NHTEOI live.

But they did, and it was great. They played "Fading into Obscurity," which became not just my favorite song on NHTEOI, but one of my favorite Sloan songs of all time.

They also did an encore, during which they played "The Lines You Amend," which is also in my Sloan top 5. I cried during it a lot, which was unexpected. I've listened to that song many times since Adam died, but it hasn't really upset me much. Well, I guess at first it did, but EVERYTHING upset me then.

But the neat thing is that I was still really happy. I was really happy the whole night, and before the show I was so excited. Mike said he thought I was overzealous, and that he had become underzealous at some point between 22 and 28.
I think a lot of people are underzealous. In a bad way. I am sometimes, too.

Anyway, after the show I talked to a couple guys named Brian and Gordon, and a young couple from Edmonton whose names I've forgotten. After hanging around with Patrick and Chris upstairs, everyone went back down into the bar area. It's interesting watching Chris talk to the fans, because he asks everyone "So how do you know who we are?" Really, it's a shame that not many people are familiar with Sloan. It's funny though, because I mentioned that they play "If it feels good do it" in the movie "The Girl Next Door" and Chris had never heard of it. I couldn't believe that. I talked to both Patrick and Chris for a while and bought Patrick a double gin & tonic on the rocks. I also talked to this girl named Barbara who is in NY this summer on an internship, and i gave her my number and stuff so maybe we can hang out.

No matter what, i still feel like I'm socially inept. Like, no matter how much people will talk to me at bars or around other people or whatever, no one will ever call me. Not as a friend, anyway.

When I was walking back to the subway at like 1:15 i started talking to these asian kids and then ended up walking around with them for a while, which was kind of a bad idea. We just walked to their place and I talked and was obscene and funny and all that jazz, looking back at it now I realize i did all the things I used to do for attention right before I got "sick."

Really, I don't just feel inept socially, I feel inept as a human being. I just feel like no matter what, if I get someone to take me seriously, I'm really pulling one over on them. Like, I have to fool people into treating me like I'm a normal human being. And I just am not good at fooling people 100% of the time.

Today I could not wake up. The way my alarm works is, it rings for 2 minutes, then goes off for 3, then rings again, off for 3, etc. 5 minute cycles for an hour. And I can hear it but it's like I am paralyzed. It's like, I used to wake up in the morning, turn it off, then go back to sleep, but now I can't even get up to turn it off.

Sloan are playing again tonight, in about an hour, and I probably could go but I just cannot make myself. A girl from work also invited me to a movie night but I can't make myself go to that either.

A year out of treatment and I probably still need to be IN treatment. I just don't know what to do. It's one of those days where I just feel like sooner or later I'm going to end up killing myself.

I kind of have a double chin in this, but oh well. See my new place.