Audrizzle

This post is about Mike Hohenadel from Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania. He is a graduate of Lafayette College, and he currently lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York City. He is employed by the Manhattan District Attorney's office. His full name is Michael Patrick Hohenadel, though he sometimes goes by Michael P. Hohenadel.

Michael Hohenadel is a bad person.

Not only did he unfairly expel me from our shared apartment, he also cheated me out of almost $900. The worst part? He does not hide the fact that the reasons for his appalling actions are due to his discrimination and prejudices against the mentally ill, and his complete disregard for civil rights (specifically the first amendment right to free speech). I would not be surprised if Mike Hohenadel is a racist, nor would I be surprised if Michael Hohenadel is sexist. I would not find it shocking to hear that Mike P. Hohenadel is homophobic, and I wouldn't find it outlandish that one might think Michael P. Hohenadel is a nazi. All I can do is hope that he has not inflicted his hatred upon others the way he has upon me.

Until Mr. Hohenadel returns the money he owes me (for which he signed a document agreeing to pay), I feel it is my responsibility to inform the world of the warped view Mike P. Hohenadel holds on which humans deserve rights and respect and which don't. True, the harm that he has done to me (which resulted in hospitalization) and the abhorrent violations he has made to any and all progress civilization has made towards human rights and equality can never be taken back, but, sadly, even during the present time of revolutionary change in American history, some bigots like Michael Hohenadel cannot be stopped.

Labels: hateful people, jerks, people who owe me money

Well, I am living in Knoxville now, if you could really call it "living."

I'm certainly not MAKING a living... But the rent is cheap, so what the hell...

Anyway, Knoxville is kind of cool. I do the same thing as I did in NY, though: spend all my money at bars.

Also, LOST is back on, which is great great news.

It's kind of funny, but since I have no money now I seem to have absolutely no problem in giving my non-funds away.

In the less-than-two weeks that I've been here, I've driven over 600 miles. Which is not necessary.

Here is a picture of me in Knox in November (before I knew I was going to move here), at my favorite restaurant:


I don't know what else to post, really, have been kind of reckless and depressed lately, a bad combination. I hate being so anxious about who's going to read this and what I can write and whatnot, but I don't think I really need to care. But maybe the things that I'm afraid of posting are things that I judge myself about, things that I hate myself for.

And why do I hate myself for these things? Why would I do things that I disapprove of? Maybe I don't really genuinely disapprove of them, maybe I've been brainwashed, too (anyone catch the reference?).

I really think I have, in a way. Looking back, at one point in my life there was a person who was my God, who controlled everything I did and passed judgment on me as well, constantly. No, this wasn't some bad relationship or something, I was forced into an institution (which I think was... unconventional, to say the least)... It's so ridiculous to think about it. To think about how much I wanted this person's approval and how I really put down even my own beliefs and ideas because I was just given the impression that what I thought was "wrong". And they held biases and grudges against me, which I think is what ended up making me absolutely hate myself. HATE. I can't stand it, the phrase just goes through my mind constantly. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself... i hate it. I hate feeling this way.
But maybe I am justified. I mean, what do I do? The 7 Deadly Sins. And maybe, in a way, I'm hoping for them to be deadly. I'm torturing myself because I think I deserve it. And I do.

I think the thing is some people kill themselves because they don't think they can make it in the real world, they feel like no matter how hard they try they just won't be able to. What scares me the most is that I know I am able to, I know I'm good and able to succeed at almost everything I do, yet for whatever reason I just choose not to. So all this "bad luck" I claim to be the unfair recipient of, it isn't bad luck, it's just the result of cause and effect. Karma. Whatever. Every bad thing that happens to me happens to me because I deserve it.

So what is my fate? What is my future? What will inspire me? I know I could do genuine good in this world, I know I could make something worthwhile and make my presence here turn out to create more good than bad, but can I make myself? That's what's hard. I want to help people so bad and I know that I could but I just can't make myself. Maybe it's that whole thing, you have to help yourself before you can help anyone else. But I can't even do that.

I'm going through one of those really really tough times where I wish I had a family who cared about me and would support me.

Well, let's end on a lighter note. Cats are cute, I don't care if you hate them.

Actually, I do care, because if you hate cats you're destroying my life.
Anyway, and now to torture myself in a less-harmful way : by eating Crunch Berries cereal, the crunchies hurt the roof of my mouth.

Labels: depression, fate, fault, future, self-hatred

This is a science experiment I did. No, an accident, actually, but pretty schweet.

On to the post:

So, I just watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

It made me think a lot. One thing I was thinking about was my friend Joey, because I remember he mentioned that he had seen it the night it came out (well, technically, midnight on the day it came out) and that he thought it was phenomenal.

I thought it was good. Like I said, it made me think about a lot of things.

Not necessarily the most relevant or important things. I thought “Man, the score for this is really great. But maybe I’m just noticing it because I’m wearing headphones, and I never wear headphones. Plus, these are brand new headphones. I mean, they’re supposed to be nice headphones and all, but they were only $20, so can they really be all that great? Well, I guess they can be, since this movie sounds really good. But maybe I just don’t know all that much about sound quality.”

I also thought about this:
“Clearly, this ‘case’ is a medical mystery... how has no one managed to contact the Weekly World News about this? I mean, I guess it would be harder to join a freak show with this type of affliction, since you’d have to wait around years to see anything really fascinating, but still. Part of the story of any kind of biological oddity is being kidnapped by the evil scientists who want to RESEARCH and STUDY, those bastards!”

I think it’s kind of silly that I’m putting quotation marks around my “thoughts” because, technically, anything I write here is already one of my “thoughts”, having come from my mind (through some kind of tubing, I assume).

Anyway, it’s 6:41 AM. I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’m feeling slightly tired, but hardly any at all.

One of the other thoughts I had while watching BB, which is actually relevant and proof that I was paying attention to the movie, was that maybe I’d like to have a child.

Now, to some, this may not sound like that crazy of an idea. But coming from me, this is absurd. This thought pops into my head every now and then, and then my reason comes and helps me to swiftly dismiss it.
Similarly, I sometimes have the “idea” that I should just have all my teeth pulled now and get dentures, so that I won’t have to deal with any more dental problems in the future. Again, whenever this idea comes to me, good ol’ reason knocks some sense into me and I decide to keep my real teeth - for now, at least.

I think the desire for children - pardon, the desire to have children - is biological, based on evolution. Kind of like Pica. You know, the one where if you have an iron deficiency you have the urge to eat nails. And no, I don’t mean fingernails.
It’s “course correction” - something’s wrong with the body, so it subconsciously tries to force itself to fix itself from the inside out. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

Your body needs iron. Your brain tells you this, but maybe you don’t know that raisins have a lot of iron in them. You know that nails, on the other hand, have a lot of iron, so you have the urge to eat the nails. You may not know why you want to eat the nails (it’s not the taste - trust me), but your body knows why.

So, I figure that my getting the “urge” or “desire” to have a child is something similar.
Since I moved to Knoxville, I haven’t had a whole lot of social interaction. Hardly any, really. Tihs is a big difference, since I moved from New York, where, for the last month, I spent almost all day every day at Paul’s house being somewhat social.

Maybe there’s a biological need for social interaction?

I mean, it makes sense that a woman would want to have children. It’s “biologically advantageous” (this is the phrase we always used in my Bio classes) - this thought leads to behaviors that increase production. Or reproduction, I should probably say “reproduction”.

Anyway, of course a woman is going to have an emotion from time to time that she wants to have kids. But, other than the “ticking of the biological clock”, I can’t think of anything that would spur this particular desire. Why would a woman desire to have children more today than yesterday?

With pica, the urges rise from a specific chemical need that has developed.
The “need” to reproduce in humans is rudimentary, so I wonder if there’s anything very specific that triggers a woman’s urge to do so.

I’m realizing now that this post is kind of out of order, but I don’t really care. I figure you’re smart, you can follow me. If i choose to publish this I’ll edit. Or hire someone competent to do it for me. Hah!

My hypothesis: Humans have a base need to be around each other. We don’t like to be alone. Maybe, in my 23 years on the planet, I have learned that looking for a friend or a mate is only a temporary solution to loneliness. That a child is different, a child will always love me and always be there.

This is my concern: It’s possible that women are experiencing an emotional want (more evident than just a primal urge) to have children based on an irrelevant kind of loneliness. A longing for a companion, not necessarily a child, just a warm body to hug or even sit next to.

In the movie “Palindromes”, the lead “character” Aviva decides she wants to have a baby at around age 12 or 13, “so I’ll always have someone to love.” Non-hilarity ensues.

OK, I’m going to narrow down my whole point into less than 20 words.
Isn’t it selfish for women to have children just to ease their own loneliness?

I think so. A while ago, my mom implied that that’s the reason she chose to have me... she felt that her marriage was falling apart and she was lonely, so why not generate the ultimate companion? One that is basically held hostage, without freedom or even ability to control his or her own life...

But anyway. This was all written at 6:30 in the morning while I could barely keep my eyes open. So pardon if it’s a little strange...

So I always get these spam emails for log homes, (amongst other less desirable purchases), and today I was thinking "You know, log cabins are pretty cool, I wonder if they're made from Lincoln Logs or something, maybe I'll check the email."

So I opened it.

This is the image:



Pretty schweet rite? Looks so cool, I think I'll actually click here and see what's up. I'm curious as to where these log cabins are built and how much they cost.

So I click the link on the left.

404.

Link on the right.

404.

Boo hoo! Nothing! Googled the name, the email address, the domain name, even the address of the spam company. No luck.

So, if anyone knows about these log cabins (or what font is used in the ad) I would like to hear about it!

On a side note: Usually, hardly any spam gets into my inbox. Yahoo's spam filter's great, maybe .5% of spam makes it through. And sometimes it's entertaining. This time I was really disappointed that I couldn't learn more about architecture by mother nature.

Labels: email, inbox, log homes, spam

Today P. said that I am "emotional."
Monday night we got in a fight, because he did something that was very... well, it's hard to explain without getting into details too much. He didn't do anything to hurt me, but something he did had implications that really offended me, and he should have known not to do it. I guess it's comparable to someone getting out a needle preparing to shoot up in front of his best friend who's a recovering heroin addict.

Anyway, I started crying and yelling at him and he got really mad at me and was trying to kick me out and was saying he'd never let me come back (which is saying something, since I come almost every day) but by the time I got to the elevator he wouldn't let the door close, and eventually convinced me to come back, though we were both pretty upset at that point.

So then I slept all day Tuesday. I slept all day today, too (Wednesday), and was kind of freaked out. I had this ongoing terrible long dream involving my mother (who made a brief appearance on my blog yesterday) forcing a whole bunch of people, including me, to eat all these like "gourmet" prepared worms, grubs, slugs, and other gross insects... (Note: I do not mean to imply that worms, grubs, and slugs are insects: I know they are not.) Then, something went wrong and she tried to blame my uncle, who she has always been very unfairly mean to, and then me, when neither of us had done anything wrong. One thing, though, was that I lost my iPhone, so I checked the lost and found of the restaurant we were at (the one serving the filth) and found another one, so I decided just to take it, but then I felt guilty so I left it in my mom's car, thinking she would find it and return it. The thing was, she found it and it turned out to be the phone of someone who worked for her who she didn't like, so she called him over, destroyed the phone in front of him, and, laughing maniacally, fired him.


I got so grossed out looking for these pictures.

Ugh, and the grubs were inside this really doughy bread type stuff, and I just remember being almost too terrified to see them. This is kind of weird, because in real life I would definitely look at them, and I might even try eating them. I think my mom had my car keys, which is why I couldn't leave. Also, we were in this really really fancy restaurant, with these tables that were all 8 or 9 feet off the ground, which helped when I was throwing up worms. The tables were surrounded by these heavily cushioned almost couch-type benches, and there were all these cloths hanging around, mostly green, some orange, yellow, etc.; it was a very nice restaurant. When my mom ordered something (which would turn out to be the nasties), she was really excited about it, and the waiter disappeared and then came back and said "We just got these new menus, and we don't actually have those in yet," and she said "No, I talked to the manager, I know they just arrived today." Also, something I thought was weird was that on the wine list was something called "Porco", and that didn't make sense to me because I figured that "porco" would be, well, pork.

Lots of bad things. T. said the first time he tried to wake me up I was shaking, and the second time he tried to wake me up I just kind of jerked my arm up and yelled something inaudible (basically telling him to go away).

That kind of spoiled my whole day. I don't know, it's weird, it really upset me.

Anyway, then P. said that I was emotional, but that it was a good thing. Which I thought was interesting. I think 9 times out of 10, if someone uses the word "emotional" to describe a person, they don't mean it in a very positive way.
I think generally the term is used to mean "weak" or "sensitive", and, of course, in that context I think "sensitive" also has negative connotations.

In a way, I can see why aspects of it would be negative. I know it certainly affects my ability to function in practical everyday life, however, it also enables me to see things in a different light, in a way that I think many people don't have the opportunity to see things. Sometimes these things I see can affect me in a way that is almost painful, but I still find it necessary. It's like having another sense. Some things you sense are good, some are bad. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. Think about it. I know that most of the things I smell are foul, but I can't imagine losing my sense of smell...

Anyway, P. is whining at me to go to sleep, and my eyes are kind of watery, so I think I'll try to hit the sack now. Also, shoutout to my husband Casey for helping my with PHP. Booya! You make it look so easy.

"Let me be frank about Frank..."

This is my new favorite YouTube video.



I love it SO MUCH.

It's Lost-related, but you don't have to be a Lost fan to enjoy the song. Beautiful work.

Not to mention Frank Lapidus is my favorite "Lost" character.

Anyway, yeah, the new season of LOST is starting on 1/21, and the reviews that have come out for it are very very good. So, needless to say, I am looking forward to it. Even if the reviews were bad, I would look forward to it. I actually wish the reviews were bad, because sometimes I get over-excited for things and am disappointed. So, I will try not to get too big of a boner for the new season.

Also, I moved, and the place I am in is okay, but the great thing is that the rent is free. I just have to help my roommate with proofreading his books and editing his website and such. And it's fun. I'm learning a bit as well. Also, he cooks for me and stuff. Pretty schweet.

Shtoops.

Anyway, not much else to say now. I'm bored and P. should buy me crap. I have an appointment this Thursday, which I had really better go to. Um, nothing else is really happening. So it's time to bring this post to a close. I'll post one more video.