Audrizzle

"You can't trust anyone 'cause you're untrustable
How can you trust someone you know can't trust you?"

- Built to Spill "Untrustable Part 2 (About Someone Else)"

That's a line that's stuck with me for years. Well, saying that doesn't mean much. Years is such a relative term. 5 years ago if I said something in my life had been static "for years", that would have been a major accomplishment. I was 18, and people change a lot up to that point in their lives.

But actually, looking back at it now, 5 years later, has anything really stabilized? No, no it hasn't. In high school my grades were either very good or very bad, same thing in college. I almost dropped out of high school (and would have if my parents/superiors had let me) and I ended up dropping out of college. Twice. Though it's not like I was "so close" or anything, I only had (have?) 25 credits - 9 of which are "pass" credits.

I keep moving around -not just cities, but states- and don't get me started talking about relationships.

Well, maybe I'll sneak up around the side of that subject.
In kind of a circular motion - bringing us back to the main idea of the post: Trustworthiness.

Relationships are all about trust. Am I trustworthy? Do I want to be?
More and more lately I find myself trying to do myself harm - physically and emotionally. I make myself out to be a bad person, and I feel that I want to be a bad person, and that I want people to think that I am a bad person.

At the same time, there is a strange duality. I am very afraid of losing people's respect. Which is weird, because I don't actually respect myself.
In some ways I do, I guess, especially lately with this anger I've been having. It's a good thing in a way, because the reason I am blowing up at people is because I'm not going to take their bullshit the way I used to. I've realized that the beliefs I have are important enough for me to stand up for, which is a very good thing. In a way, I really like the fact that I have become so angry.

Sadly, I have taken things a bit too far and am becoming psychotic. I yell at people over stupid little things, and what REALLY bothers me is that I can't get my wording correct.

When I used to yell at people, my syntax and vocabulary was astonishing. Admirable, really.
Now, I'm just really confused. "Why can't you just leave you alone?" "You're always trying to shit from you!" "Can't you stop bother you? "You doesn't even !!!"

It's ridiculous. I guess maybe I'm more angry than I used to be - Angelus house pretty much brainwashed me out of being angry. It's weird, because looking back at the treatment, part of their therapy was that you do need to become angry. But for some reason whenever I was angry I was "wrong" - pretty much everything I did was wrong. I'll admit that I was no angel there (no pun intended), but my rule breaking was no worse than anyone else's. Maybe I'll never know, but I don't think A.'s death was my fault. And of course, everyone SAID it wasn't my fault, but none of them ever treated me the same way after it happened.

Back to the lyric. 2007 was when I really started lying a whole lot. It started with my relationship with A., which had to be a secret. When we came out and told the truth about that, the consequences we faced were terrible. I don't want to get into it too much, but we were both punished - severely. I'm kind of in the middle of the two year anniversary of when it all happened - because it spanned a few weeks.

Brownie-type cupcakes I decorated right after A. and I were banned from seeing eachother. Yes, I was a tad bitter.

What I learned from that ordeal was that telling the truth is worse than lying. I shouldn't have told Dave the truth, and I shouldn't have told A. the truth. Or what I thought was the truth. By that point I had already been brainwashed into thinking I was a terrible person, so I told A. that that's what I was. I told him I was unhappy and that I was a deviant, and that he could never help me, he could never make me better.

If you have issues with your sexuality, the worst possible thing you can do is to go to Angelus house. Dave used to be a Catholic priest, and he will pass judgement upon you and treat your problem as YOUR problem, you're making it up, you're pretending, you're bullshitting and that's what's wrong with YOU. It's all YOU, no, it's not because you were raised in a fucked up environment, or your parents taught you warped views on sexuality, it's not because you were raped or oversexualized as a child, no, nothing like that, it's because YOU want attention, you don't REALLY have a problem, it's just your pathetic way to try and get people to pay attention to you, and YOU'RE not going to waste MY time with your pitiful attempt to be "special" and "different".

Now, THAT'S bullshit. So, if I want to have my own beliefs, Dave, you are OK with me hating myself for them? Oh, that's how you would PREFER it? Original sin, right? I don't know enough about the catholic religion to get across the point of how biased he was.

"How can you trust someone you know can't trust you?"
Part of the brainwashing at Angelus house was that I was trained to believe that I was always wrong, thus I learned that I can't trust myself. They taught me to believe that I was untrustable, and because I was in such a vulnerable position, I believed them, and then grew to live up to it.
How can I trust someone I know can't trust me? What if that someone is myself? Playing silly with words here, but to me it makes sense.

That brings up another issue: If I know I'm crazy, does that make me less crazy? And what if I'm only aware of some of my insanity? Like, when I was yelling at people today, I knew I wasn't in my right mind, but I couldn't figure out that was the case. But another thing is, part of me sees my anger as being a good thing (re: standing up for myself) - I know I take it to inappropriate levels here and there, but at the same time I'm glad it's here.

Oh well. This is the issue of sanity.

Or insanity, whatever.

Also, I have to be back in NY soon, I have an appointment there on 2/23. So wish me luck on that. And if you're in NY and want to hang out or whatever, don't hold your breath, HAH! And if you do run into me, watch out, because I may still be psychotic. Luckily I haven't started to throw things yet. Let's hope that if that begins, my laptop is far, far away.

Also, when does a quote become a quotation?

Note: I am noticing that I've become more "rambling" (Sprawling?) and am having more trouble staying on topic. This is bad, because one of the only things I think I'm good at is writing, so if I lose that, what have I got?

Labels: angelus, anger, brainwashing, built to spill, death, fault, guilt, love, lyrics, mental illness, self-hatred, therapy

For those who DON’T know, lately I’ve been obsessed with Twitter. I’m going to be unique here and not immediately link to my twitter page. Note that I said “not immediately”, not “not at all”. So, if you pay attention you may find yourself with a link to my twitter page staring you in the face. This will be the moment of ultimate truth and choice: Knowing what you know about me and having read what you will have read, will you choose to follow me? Will you even have the courage to click the link?

There is a possibility that the things you may see on my Twitter page may shock or even offend you. Or, more likely, they will simply bore you and not have much of a real effect on you and/or your perception of me.

It’s hard think about the duality of having a blog when I also have a twitter persona. If one of my twitter followers starts to read my blog, will it be easy for them to recognize that it’s the same person writing?

Do I want them to? That is a question I am not ready to answer. One thing I can acknowledge, however, is that due to Twitter’s 140-character-per-tweet constraint, my “writing” there varies greatly from the what I post on Audrizzle. Another thing that concerns me is the issue of “followers”, who can be very fickle. It often feels like a high school popularity contest, who can get the most followers.

If you don’t know how Twitter works, I’ll tell you (and I wish you luck finding a new home that isn’t under a rock). It’s “microblogging”. When microblogging, u make posts (as 1 would on a blog), but “tweeting” is “micro” because ur posts can be no more than 140 characters long.

Note that the previous sentence was exactly 140 characters long. I did that to give you a general idea of just how “micro” you are required to be when tweeting, and how it’s difficult to get across a point without using the teenage-girl abbreviations (“you” becomes “u”, “your” OR “you’re” is “ur”, “between” changes to “bt”, etc.). I often find it difficult to choose what to abbreviate. As despicable as I find it to abridge the words in the style of tween text messages, I think it’s more respectable to do this than to leave out punctuation. At least the words come through somewhat comprehensible, and the punctuation proves that I’m not a total idiot. Not that bad punctuation necessarily makes one an idiot, but I am a total grammar nazi.

I call this type of lingo “Twittar” – like “grammar”, get it? I originally coined this term on Feb. 3, 2009 - so unless someone can find a legitimate earlier creation the term with this meaning, I get all the credit. Sure, “twittar” is used in other contexts, but I think the definition I have chosen for it is the clear winner. Winnar? Bad joke.

Another aspect of Twitter is "following". If you like a person's posts, you can follow them and you will see every post they make on your home page. Often, if one person is notified that another person is following them, the first person will "follow back", which I see as a sign of respect.

Also, something else has been on my mind: the uniqueness of my sense of humor (using the word "unique" is being nice). For example, see Anti-Humor.

Personally, I think that I am hilarious. I crack myself up on a constant basis. Not just things that I say (or, more frequently, write) but some of the things I see, and my perceptions of them.

Now, this shouldn’t really be a problem, but another thing is that I become obsessed with these things easily. I become obsessed with a lot of things in general, actually. I always have. As a nerdy example, in middle school I used to have a crush on one of my teachers, and I talked about him constantly. It was so frequent (and annoying, which I didn’t see) that it got to the point where one girl who sat at my lunch table threatened to talk to the school counselor about it if I wouldn’t change the subject. This was a very frightening proposition (in fact, my fear of this became an obsession), so I was able to cool it down a bit – at the lunch table at least.

My obsession with certain things that I find funny can end up driving people crazy. Mostly because the things I find funny other people don’t enjoy as much, if they see the humor at all. I talk endlessly about something I think is funny, and if people don’t laugh I point out that they SHOULD be laughing, and they often disagree. Which I have learned to accept more, my thought process being “Well so what… if they don’t enjoy it, they’re having a boring life, I would never want to live like that, unable to find not only the mild humor, but the absolute hilarity in everyday life.” Though I still push people to find amusement in the things I think are a riot.

Here’s something I posted a while ago on a different blog that no one else was amused by to the extent that I was. Even if you think the writing is funny, I don’t know if you will find the subject itself as absolutely outrageous as I did.

also, on this video there is a comment simply:

what a cool lizard.

And someone gave that comment a thumbs up. How awesome! It's so simplistic and ... i want to say, naive? It reminds me of the way the guy painted in "Art School Confidential" and someone said he painted like he'd never seen a painting before. I don't know, shit like this i get obsessed with.

what a cool lizard.

Brilliant! And I can't say how much it means to me that the first letter isn't capitalized. But they put a period at the end of the sentence anyway. How perfect is that? Incredible!

what a cool lizard.

The comment is one thing but the fact that someone else gave it a thumbs up is what really gets me. So many youtube viewers ignore the comments and will make their own despite whether or not the same thing has been said 8 times before that. Sometimes it's hard not to.
But someone went over the comments, saw that and thought "Wow, good point, Steelyking6725, I agree. Thumbs up!" and didn't make a similar post. All the other posts are about the rat/eating process itself.

what a cool lizard.

I cannot say how much this excites me! Someone actually posted about the lizard, and shouldn't that be what it's all about? THE FUCKING LIZARD!
This is such a philosophical mindfuck. A statement about modern man. A timeless look into the mind of "the fool."
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE.

what a cool lizard.

-----
side note, DANKisallweneed commented

“yeah dead rat pretty gross...that monitor looks a little blazed to me hook him up with a drink KOTTONMOUTH is the worst...BLAZE ON"

which i thought was hilarious. laugh out loud hilarious. Not just LOL, but Laugh Out Loud. I just picture this total pothead (DANK or "Dan K" as I will imagine him to be called) hanging out with this lizard being like "dude.... what if we give the lizard some pot? let's smoke him out... oh shit yo he's thirsty, let's hook him up with a drink... Kottonmouth sucks, yo. man i am so BLAZED rite now dude"
hahahahaha SO HILARIOUS!
Also at the hospital toda--yesterday, someone accidentally (staff) set some popcorn on fire in the microwave and so there was burnt popcorn smell all over the ward, and at one point they were trying to air it out so they opened up the doors but they were saying they were worried about someone trying to leave... While they were in the nurse's station discussing this i was passing by and noticed and thought it would be funny for me to pretend to make an escape.
So i went back to my room, set down my notebook, and came charging down the hall, They didn't see me until right before I got to the door so I had to stop very quickly.
They all FREAKED OUT even after I had stopped, put up my hands, and told them it was a joke. I thought it was hilarious, they were all probably having heart attacks and I just could not stop cracking up. I thought it was fucking great! I guess maybe they would have found it more entertaining if they had known me for more than 2 days and gotten to understand my sense of humor, but unfortunately that was not the case.
Unfortunately for comedic effect. FORTUNATELY FOR ME, HAH!
Still, though, I thought it was a riot!
"dude, let's give the lizard some weed, seriously."
hahahaha

Now you see the reason I don't link to that blog. It's ridiculous, it would annoy the crap out of you, and I don't even follow my own "proper grammar at any cost" principle.
I won't link to that blog, but as promised (well, not as promised, per se, but as hinted at), here be a link to my twitter.

Enjoy, and I'll see you all later!

Labels: crushes, humor, middle school, obsession, Twitter, youtube comments