Audrizzle

Something's going on, something's happened.
There's just a stillness, a silence. I'm not sure if it's peaceful or deafening.
I just feel empty. I don't know why. I can't even think of considering why. I'm empty, and I have to stay that way. I have no choice.
Something's happened.
I don't know what. I don't understand. I don't have any desires, any thoughts, any memories taunting me or the usual negative affirmations coursing through my brain.
And that's good.
Or it should be good.
I just don't care.
I feel genuinely bored, more bored than I've ever been in my life. Other times when I was bored it was because there was something else I had in mind that I wanted to be doing.
Now there's nothing.

And it's only Tuesday.
Last week flew by because I slept the whole time. So far this week is dragging because I've slept all of 7 hours in the last 72.

And I'm tired.
Believe me, I'm tired.
But I can't close my eyes. This morning at 5 they just popped open and now they won't stay shut.

I keep yawning. Physically, I'm exhausted. Mentally, I feel like my brain is just a factory. Just going through the motions of everyday function.

Except my usual non-function. Or really, I should call it "negative" or "counterproductive" function.

I can't draw, I can't write. It's so hard for me to do this. There's a pain in my thumb, it feels like a splinter or a cut but nothing's there.

The pain in my chest has spread up and eastward. It's below my armpit now, though more toward the center of my chest, and I can feel it hurting through my back too.

I don't know if any of this makes sense.

It's not that I feel weird, I just feel nothing.
I wish I could feel something in reaction to the nothing, but I can't. I'd like to be grateful to be at peace, or to be angry at the apparent disintegration of my soul, or even just to go back to feeling the misery I usually feel.

I'm trying to find the cause of this.

Yesterday in therapy we came to the realization that my episodes of self hatred are triggered by my participation in successful or positive social interaction with other people.

I had what I consider to be a successful social interaction with a friend last night. As I should have come to expect, on my way home I had a violent attack of self loathing. I cried, and I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I have never felt the urge to hurt myself that much. I wanted to get home as fast as I could and I wanted to see blood.

Then I told myself to stop. That it's okay. It's okay for other people to like me. I don't have to punish myself for who I am. I don't have to punish other people for liking me. It's okay.

I don't know why, but it worked. I calmed down. I made it home, and when I got here, I went to sleep.

So maybe I'm okay. Maybe I'm better. I mean, it seems improbable that I could be "better" instantly, but something happened and I feel very different.

Which makes me wonder, once again, what am I without my illness?

And yet, unlike in times past, I don't feel the urge to run out and create drama and bring back all the problems. I don't feel the urge to do anything.

I've never felt like this before. I don't understand it, but that's okay I guess.

Labels: apathy, mental illness, people, relationships, self-hatred, therapy, treatment