Audrizzle

Something's going on, something's happened.
There's just a stillness, a silence. I'm not sure if it's peaceful or deafening.
I just feel empty. I don't know why. I can't even think of considering why. I'm empty, and I have to stay that way. I have no choice.
Something's happened.
I don't know what. I don't understand. I don't have any desires, any thoughts, any memories taunting me or the usual negative affirmations coursing through my brain.
And that's good.
Or it should be good.
I just don't care.
I feel genuinely bored, more bored than I've ever been in my life. Other times when I was bored it was because there was something else I had in mind that I wanted to be doing.
Now there's nothing.

And it's only Tuesday.
Last week flew by because I slept the whole time. So far this week is dragging because I've slept all of 7 hours in the last 72.

And I'm tired.
Believe me, I'm tired.
But I can't close my eyes. This morning at 5 they just popped open and now they won't stay shut.

I keep yawning. Physically, I'm exhausted. Mentally, I feel like my brain is just a factory. Just going through the motions of everyday function.

Except my usual non-function. Or really, I should call it "negative" or "counterproductive" function.

I can't draw, I can't write. It's so hard for me to do this. There's a pain in my thumb, it feels like a splinter or a cut but nothing's there.

The pain in my chest has spread up and eastward. It's below my armpit now, though more toward the center of my chest, and I can feel it hurting through my back too.

I don't know if any of this makes sense.

It's not that I feel weird, I just feel nothing.
I wish I could feel something in reaction to the nothing, but I can't. I'd like to be grateful to be at peace, or to be angry at the apparent disintegration of my soul, or even just to go back to feeling the misery I usually feel.

I'm trying to find the cause of this.

Yesterday in therapy we came to the realization that my episodes of self hatred are triggered by my participation in successful or positive social interaction with other people.

I had what I consider to be a successful social interaction with a friend last night. As I should have come to expect, on my way home I had a violent attack of self loathing. I cried, and I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I have never felt the urge to hurt myself that much. I wanted to get home as fast as I could and I wanted to see blood.

Then I told myself to stop. That it's okay. It's okay for other people to like me. I don't have to punish myself for who I am. I don't have to punish other people for liking me. It's okay.

I don't know why, but it worked. I calmed down. I made it home, and when I got here, I went to sleep.

So maybe I'm okay. Maybe I'm better. I mean, it seems improbable that I could be "better" instantly, but something happened and I feel very different.

Which makes me wonder, once again, what am I without my illness?

And yet, unlike in times past, I don't feel the urge to run out and create drama and bring back all the problems. I don't feel the urge to do anything.

I've never felt like this before. I don't understand it, but that's okay I guess.

Labels: apathy, mental illness, people, relationships, self-hatred, therapy, treatment

"You can't trust anyone 'cause you're untrustable
How can you trust someone you know can't trust you?"

- Built to Spill "Untrustable Part 2 (About Someone Else)"

That's a line that's stuck with me for years. Well, saying that doesn't mean much. Years is such a relative term. 5 years ago if I said something in my life had been static "for years", that would have been a major accomplishment. I was 18, and people change a lot up to that point in their lives.

But actually, looking back at it now, 5 years later, has anything really stabilized? No, no it hasn't. In high school my grades were either very good or very bad, same thing in college. I almost dropped out of high school (and would have if my parents/superiors had let me) and I ended up dropping out of college. Twice. Though it's not like I was "so close" or anything, I only had (have?) 25 credits - 9 of which are "pass" credits.

I keep moving around -not just cities, but states- and don't get me started talking about relationships.

Well, maybe I'll sneak up around the side of that subject.
In kind of a circular motion - bringing us back to the main idea of the post: Trustworthiness.

Relationships are all about trust. Am I trustworthy? Do I want to be?
More and more lately I find myself trying to do myself harm - physically and emotionally. I make myself out to be a bad person, and I feel that I want to be a bad person, and that I want people to think that I am a bad person.

At the same time, there is a strange duality. I am very afraid of losing people's respect. Which is weird, because I don't actually respect myself.
In some ways I do, I guess, especially lately with this anger I've been having. It's a good thing in a way, because the reason I am blowing up at people is because I'm not going to take their bullshit the way I used to. I've realized that the beliefs I have are important enough for me to stand up for, which is a very good thing. In a way, I really like the fact that I have become so angry.

Sadly, I have taken things a bit too far and am becoming psychotic. I yell at people over stupid little things, and what REALLY bothers me is that I can't get my wording correct.

When I used to yell at people, my syntax and vocabulary was astonishing. Admirable, really.
Now, I'm just really confused. "Why can't you just leave you alone?" "You're always trying to shit from you!" "Can't you stop bother you? "You doesn't even !!!"

It's ridiculous. I guess maybe I'm more angry than I used to be - Angelus house pretty much brainwashed me out of being angry. It's weird, because looking back at the treatment, part of their therapy was that you do need to become angry. But for some reason whenever I was angry I was "wrong" - pretty much everything I did was wrong. I'll admit that I was no angel there (no pun intended), but my rule breaking was no worse than anyone else's. Maybe I'll never know, but I don't think A.'s death was my fault. And of course, everyone SAID it wasn't my fault, but none of them ever treated me the same way after it happened.

Back to the lyric. 2007 was when I really started lying a whole lot. It started with my relationship with A., which had to be a secret. When we came out and told the truth about that, the consequences we faced were terrible. I don't want to get into it too much, but we were both punished - severely. I'm kind of in the middle of the two year anniversary of when it all happened - because it spanned a few weeks.

Brownie-type cupcakes I decorated right after A. and I were banned from seeing eachother. Yes, I was a tad bitter.

What I learned from that ordeal was that telling the truth is worse than lying. I shouldn't have told Dave the truth, and I shouldn't have told A. the truth. Or what I thought was the truth. By that point I had already been brainwashed into thinking I was a terrible person, so I told A. that that's what I was. I told him I was unhappy and that I was a deviant, and that he could never help me, he could never make me better.

If you have issues with your sexuality, the worst possible thing you can do is to go to Angelus house. Dave used to be a Catholic priest, and he will pass judgement upon you and treat your problem as YOUR problem, you're making it up, you're pretending, you're bullshitting and that's what's wrong with YOU. It's all YOU, no, it's not because you were raised in a fucked up environment, or your parents taught you warped views on sexuality, it's not because you were raped or oversexualized as a child, no, nothing like that, it's because YOU want attention, you don't REALLY have a problem, it's just your pathetic way to try and get people to pay attention to you, and YOU'RE not going to waste MY time with your pitiful attempt to be "special" and "different".

Now, THAT'S bullshit. So, if I want to have my own beliefs, Dave, you are OK with me hating myself for them? Oh, that's how you would PREFER it? Original sin, right? I don't know enough about the catholic religion to get across the point of how biased he was.

"How can you trust someone you know can't trust you?"
Part of the brainwashing at Angelus house was that I was trained to believe that I was always wrong, thus I learned that I can't trust myself. They taught me to believe that I was untrustable, and because I was in such a vulnerable position, I believed them, and then grew to live up to it.
How can I trust someone I know can't trust me? What if that someone is myself? Playing silly with words here, but to me it makes sense.

That brings up another issue: If I know I'm crazy, does that make me less crazy? And what if I'm only aware of some of my insanity? Like, when I was yelling at people today, I knew I wasn't in my right mind, but I couldn't figure out that was the case. But another thing is, part of me sees my anger as being a good thing (re: standing up for myself) - I know I take it to inappropriate levels here and there, but at the same time I'm glad it's here.

Oh well. This is the issue of sanity.

Or insanity, whatever.

Also, I have to be back in NY soon, I have an appointment there on 2/23. So wish me luck on that. And if you're in NY and want to hang out or whatever, don't hold your breath, HAH! And if you do run into me, watch out, because I may still be psychotic. Luckily I haven't started to throw things yet. Let's hope that if that begins, my laptop is far, far away.

Also, when does a quote become a quotation?

Note: I am noticing that I've become more "rambling" (Sprawling?) and am having more trouble staying on topic. This is bad, because one of the only things I think I'm good at is writing, so if I lose that, what have I got?

Labels: angelus, anger, brainwashing, built to spill, death, fault, guilt, love, lyrics, mental illness, self-hatred, therapy

Well, I am living in Knoxville now, if you could really call it "living."

I'm certainly not MAKING a living... But the rent is cheap, so what the hell...

Anyway, Knoxville is kind of cool. I do the same thing as I did in NY, though: spend all my money at bars.

Also, LOST is back on, which is great great news.

It's kind of funny, but since I have no money now I seem to have absolutely no problem in giving my non-funds away.

In the less-than-two weeks that I've been here, I've driven over 600 miles. Which is not necessary.

Here is a picture of me in Knox in November (before I knew I was going to move here), at my favorite restaurant:


I don't know what else to post, really, have been kind of reckless and depressed lately, a bad combination. I hate being so anxious about who's going to read this and what I can write and whatnot, but I don't think I really need to care. But maybe the things that I'm afraid of posting are things that I judge myself about, things that I hate myself for.

And why do I hate myself for these things? Why would I do things that I disapprove of? Maybe I don't really genuinely disapprove of them, maybe I've been brainwashed, too (anyone catch the reference?).

I really think I have, in a way. Looking back, at one point in my life there was a person who was my God, who controlled everything I did and passed judgment on me as well, constantly. No, this wasn't some bad relationship or something, I was forced into an institution (which I think was... unconventional, to say the least)... It's so ridiculous to think about it. To think about how much I wanted this person's approval and how I really put down even my own beliefs and ideas because I was just given the impression that what I thought was "wrong". And they held biases and grudges against me, which I think is what ended up making me absolutely hate myself. HATE. I can't stand it, the phrase just goes through my mind constantly. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself... i hate it. I hate feeling this way.
But maybe I am justified. I mean, what do I do? The 7 Deadly Sins. And maybe, in a way, I'm hoping for them to be deadly. I'm torturing myself because I think I deserve it. And I do.

I think the thing is some people kill themselves because they don't think they can make it in the real world, they feel like no matter how hard they try they just won't be able to. What scares me the most is that I know I am able to, I know I'm good and able to succeed at almost everything I do, yet for whatever reason I just choose not to. So all this "bad luck" I claim to be the unfair recipient of, it isn't bad luck, it's just the result of cause and effect. Karma. Whatever. Every bad thing that happens to me happens to me because I deserve it.

So what is my fate? What is my future? What will inspire me? I know I could do genuine good in this world, I know I could make something worthwhile and make my presence here turn out to create more good than bad, but can I make myself? That's what's hard. I want to help people so bad and I know that I could but I just can't make myself. Maybe it's that whole thing, you have to help yourself before you can help anyone else. But I can't even do that.

I'm going through one of those really really tough times where I wish I had a family who cared about me and would support me.

Well, let's end on a lighter note. Cats are cute, I don't care if you hate them.

Actually, I do care, because if you hate cats you're destroying my life.
Anyway, and now to torture myself in a less-harmful way : by eating Crunch Berries cereal, the crunchies hurt the roof of my mouth.

Labels: depression, fate, fault, future, self-hatred